I'd like to welcome everyone to what I hope will be a regular feature here at Black Sun Gazette. "Some of Your Friends Are Already This Fucked" is a public service announcement from Ulysses Lazarus to you where I identify which aspects of culture are acceptable for consumption and which are not. Often ahead of the cultural curve, I know the stuff that you will be into in six months and what stuff you're into now that will embarrass you in six months. To that end I have decided to, once a week inform you of something that has entered popular culture and fails so hard that it passes through failing so hard it wins territory right back into failing so hard it fails.
This week's entry...
Hula Hoops
You know at least one of these girls. The Hula Hoopers. How the fuck it became popular for girls in their mid-to-late-20s to take up the hobby of a fucking five year old is beyond me. I don't claim to have answers to those kinds of questions. All I can tell you is that it makes me rage at an almost uncontrollable level. Every girl that is into it seems to think they're so fucking brilliantly original for mining a part of their grandmother's childhood. I keep expecting to meet bitches who collect Lisa fucking Frank folders and think that's the latest in edgy, post-adolescent, alt consumerist behavior.
On the other hand, the evolutionary appeal of the activity can't be denied. What is going to land a man more than a hobby that says "I wish I were five, I like ribbons and bows, and I don't think too much about anything... that's like, BOY STUFF! Ew!" It's sure to land you a virile man with a raging hard-on and a total lack of respect for women.
It's also a further example of something referenced a couple weeks ago. The 20-something hipster is a spiritual eunuch. It has literally no connection to the creation of culture, preferring to latch onto things from previous eras with no substantive content. Where the 60s generation was shallow to be sure, they at least had the connection to their decadent and shallow "youth movement."
We've got... hula hoopers. Yes, you're a fucking cultural genius for rediscovering the hula hoop. No, you are not suffering from general cultural paralysis of the inane. No, your lack of adult hobbies is not indicative of stunted intellectual and personal development. No, you're definitely not part of the general buffoonery of your generation for having stupid, ironic passtimes- you're the trend setter.
Got it? Good. Now go bang some dude with dishevelled hair.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
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6 comments:
This is my hula hoop. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Without it I am useless. Without me, my hula hoop is useless . . .
glad I could help. I didn't realize how mad I was about it. I hope I don't find brooklyn redux in philly: "ohmygod your glassesframes are ALMOST uglier than mine! wanna drink whiskey from mason jars like hobos??"
I noticed that nowhere in your article do you mention girls dancing with hula hoops.
Most importantly, you forgot to include videos or photos.
Didn't realize that the hula-hoop thing was a craze again. Sad to see that due to the current noosphere, people are reverting back to an infantile state in order to cope. Evolutionary defense mechanisms, FTW!
Also, pedos dig chicks with hula-hoops.
"My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. They don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson."
I think a worse one than the hula hoop is the attempt to revive the Village People that had occured immediately after "Wayne's World 2". I think that tainted the movie so that it could not get the attention it deserved for the work of genius that it was. Oh and it had whats-her-face in it. She was hot. Asia Carrera had made a good choice to name her porn name after whats-her-name.
As far as hula hoops go... My opinion is- well- it's a freakin hoop?! I mean c'mon. Just get some bark or something and wrap it in a circle if pet rocks aren't a good sale.
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